He contacted me last night. We didn't argue. We talked, kind of. He tried to convince me for another chance, he apologized and admitted to some things, even claimed it was not as bad as I thought. He said everything right and was so convincing. I hate myself for almost leaning into it, but then I saw the similar pattern. The hook and pull he would do and I found myself reaching for him once again. I backed out. I told him I couldn't be with him. I told him he did not treat me well and was not the man I deserved and needed. He hurt me far to many times.
To be clear, I do not hate him. I don't even love him any less. I do not believe he is a bad person. I truly do want him to be happy and to find someone he can love enough to never treat the way he treated me. He was not cruel or unloving to me, but he was not a good partner and did things repeatedly that would hurt me. He is not good for me and I told him this. The last thing I said to him was I loved him and goodnight. He said the same.
I think this made me feel better. To end things with love instead of pain and malice. Don't get me wrong, there is still pain and I know it will be there for a long time, but I feel like the chapter got a proper conclusion. I haven't cried today. I know there will be days that I am floored but so far, its not today.
In the middle of the night I had picked my son out of his crib and brought him to bed with me. I wanted to just go to sleep holding him. I have the opposite issue with co-sleeping than most families. I can rarely get my child to sleep with me. He has been sleeping through the night, in his own bed, in his own room, since three months old and will not sleep with me. He refused to sleep without me close in those first few months but once he got use to being in his bed, I couldn't get him back into mine. I know its silly and I am lucky to have it but It still gets frustrating sometimes when I just was to lay and cuddle my baby. Last night, he cuddled and hugged me back and slept with me. It made me happy and I never wanted to let go. He stayed with me until around three in the morning and decided he needed his space. I made him a bottle and placed him back into his bed where he slept with his butt in the air.
I am looking forward to filling my spare time with quality time with kiddo. I am putting all my focus onto him and trying to build a new routine with just the two of us. How can I ever be sad or lonely when I have this perfect little boy wanting to hug me every moment he can.
-Rose-
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