Its been a while. I haven't committed to this blog like I had planned to. Life and other excuses roll around and the thought to do this gets away from me. I wish I could come on here and say I have great news and everything is working out. From the title I am sure you can see where this is going. Lets be honest, if you read my prior post My Boyfriend Was On A Dating App then you knew where this was going a long time ago.
Just to preface, we worked through all that. At least I thought we did. That man should be in sales because he convinced me to forgive him and give it another shot. He convinced me that it was all PG-13 at best. Or I convinced myself, its hard to know. That's the thing about being in love with anxious attachment, you will tell yourself anything to keep that person. And oh boy I did, I told myself that everything will work out and be okay. And it was. We were doing great, wonderful even. It was all working out. He was talking about building a house together and hinting at a near future engagement. I was so hopeful, so stupid.
I wont go into the details, there is no point. This blog is not about him, its about me and the life I am building. He was part of it though, up until yesterday morning, he was a huge part of it since I was trying to build a life with him. But the other shoe dropped and it turns out the girls he talked to on that app never went away, just upgraded to text messages. A few girls, one being his friend for years, were being treated like options. I was just an option of several. They got the affection, the compliments, the flirting, the late nights, the same plans, the intimacies, the exchange of photos (the kind you never send a "friend"), all the while I am there begging for breadcrumbs. I think it hurt more seeing I was not only one of the options, but the bottom of the barrel option.
Even at the end I was still kind and full of love for him. I still wanted the best for him and him to be happy, even if it was not with me. I told him he should figure out what he actually wanted but it was clear it was not me. He told me I was wrong about that and he was happy with me. I leaned in, I actually thought about changing course. But then he said I was wrong, and what I saw did not exist. He tried to convince me that what I knew was not fact and was not there. That it was concerning how hard I looked to just make something out of nothing. There is was, what I needed to understand what I had to do no matter how much it tore me apart form the inside. I told him I didn't want to participate in whatever game he was playing and that he wins, I was out, and he needed to leave me alone. "As you wish" is the last thing he said to me.
I deleted everything, all the photos, text, plans. I had a overly dramatic breakdown once I was home alone. I felt like I was dying but I also knew I did the right thing, something that should have been done a long time ago. I let it get this far, I got far too attached and invested in him and I gave it my all. That's the fault in me, I give way too much and I go way to far for who I care for. It should be no surprise that I have been down this road before. I have been hurt many times and been left standing alone wondering "WTF."
I don't ever want to go through this again. I never want to give that much away again, I honestly don't think I have anything left. I am 30 years old, I have a 1.5 year old child who has no father figure in his life. I work in law enforcement and dislike my job. I can't afford most things, not even to get a much needed haircut, because its just me and my son. Even the boyfriend, now ex-boyfriend, did not offer any assistance. I don't know what I can bring to the table at this point and Its hard to imagine anyone wanting to find out. I know my self-esteem is in the basement and I am in a self-pity mindset. I also know I was not perfect in that relationship and maybe I am to blame for his behavior. In the end, I don't think finding love is in the cards for me right now, or ever with my track record.
But I have love to give. So much in fact and my little boy is the only deserving one I plan to give it to. There will be no "getting back on the horse" or "getting out there" happening for me. What will be happening is all my love, time, and focus will go to my kiddo. I dedicated so much time and effort to the ex and I made plenty of room for him in my life that I wish I could take back. My child did not suffer for it, by no means. I didn't take too much away from him and he was never lacking or wanting anything. I just wish I had used all that time to give him even more. To not have missed a single moment, no matter how small it was, with him instead of being in a game that I was not aware I was playing with a man I do not believe ever loved me. You don't treat people you love that way. I believe he loved what I did for him, he loved what I offered, he loved my body, but he never loved me and that makes it time wasted. I spent far too long gaining nothing and giving everything. I can't do it again. Everything in me that was cracked and bruised before is now shattered. And I have no desire or energy to even try to pick up the pieces. What I have left, what little is left, will be given to my son.
Maybe I can find a way in the future to make new pieces of myself and place them in the gaps and open wounds in me. I hope I can build a life for my son and I so that he will be happy and proud. This is what I will be dedicating everything to, I can't ask someone else to help me build, I don't want to give anyone that much power and control ever again. This is my story and my son's, no one else should ever get a say in it. I will not have another person take this story and watch them rip out pages just to watch me bleed. My story will continue and I will be sure my son's story is happy and wonderful until he can start writing it for himself. But my story has entered a new chapter, I pray for a better chapter, a chapter full of love, light, and happiness. Last chapter was full of tears, pain, moments of joy that have been tainted by someone else who did not deserve what I was giving.
I know I am not perfect but I do not believe I deserved the treatment I had received for so long. I don't know what I deserve, maybe nothing, but my son deserves so much more than the empty shell I had become. The sluggish women who is supposed to be his mother and provider is not how I want him to see me. Thankfully he was never attached to the ex, the ex never seemed to want to do much, if anything, with him. I can see that being a huge red flag now but at the time he convinced me it was because babies made him nervous and he was not use to being around one but wanted to slowly learn. I could write a book if I broke down the whole relationship and found all the things that should have been a hint. But what is the point in that? That was the past chapter, not this new one, and I refuse to read my books backwards. So here we are, new page, new chapter with the title Day One in bold. A story moving forward from the previous chapters, leaving broken pieces and people behind as I move on, making new pieces of myself to fill the empty parts of me.
-Rose
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