Earlier this morning I had gone to the farmers' market with my son, like we do every Sunday. It was odd for my mind to wonder through this thought as strongly but with some things that have happened recently, I believe it was there for a few days and I finally let it come to the front of my mind. I don't feel loved.
My thoughts of feeling unloved do not apply to my son. I know he loves me in the only way a one year old can understand. I bring him comfort and safety. I have love from my family and friends but I feel lonely. I feel like I can't be loved, like I am too much, too awkward and ridiculous. I have been married and in long term relationships but I don't think I have ever felt truly loved. Not properly. And maybe my expectations are too high and unrealistic but I have groveled and begged for breadcrumbs. I have begged to be treated right, done everything I could to earn love back. But I don't think I ever got it.
I watched the people walking by while my son and I had our lunch and I saw the couples and families walk by. I saw little boys who ran back and forth between their mothers and fathers. I saw women walk by hand in hand with a man. I think this broke me a bit. I can't tell you why it got to me today but it did and has not left my mind since. I don't feel loved and I don't think I ever have. I've been used, lusted, picked out of lack of options, but never just loved and wanted. I don't have someone reaching for my hand because they want that closeness and to just feel my hand in theirs. I have never once in my life been looked at like I matter the most, or even at all, and that someone sees a life they will fight to create with me, no I don't think I have ever been loved. Not properly.
This may be dramatic and unrealistic but I have the feeling the lonely has set in and made itself at home. I believe its realized this home is abandoned, after so many years of neglect and poor patch jobs, this shell may not have an new occupant coming.
So the lonely stays, out of sight of others but always in the back of my mind. It demand to be felt but I can't react. Its a silent form of torture that I can never show. I can't fix. I can't lesson, only become numb to as I push it further back, but its still there at all times. The feelings of loneliness can be relentless.
-Rose-
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