I struggle to type this out because it is physically and mentally hard. Moving, even breathing, has been.......difficult lately. And its not because of a legitimate issue. Its all in my head and heart. They are at war with one another and I find myself struggling to find the will to want to do........anything.
The past few weeks have not only tried but has successfully broken me. I know there is a great deal of damage, I can feel it with every breath I take, like I don't want to be taking it in. I know there will be a great deal of judgment from this, if anyone actually read my post that is, but I stayed with the boyfriend. If you review my prior post about him being on a dating app and the excuse given then you would have no pity for me. And that's okay, I don't want pity. I don't want sympathy or kind words telling me to do better. I wanted to stay with the man I loved because I believed we could work through it and I have yet to ever know a relationship to be perfect without forgiveness and work.
With that being said, we did work through it. We were doing great but my trust was thin and my anxiety was growing. Work became more stressful and my classes were becoming overwhelming. The new semester just started and I already feel like I will drown. I haven't slept more than a few hours a night for weeks and my body is showing the stress. I have lost weight, more and faster than I have ever done so before. I am not eating. I am struggling to enjoy simple hobbies, I am not even sleeping in my own bed. I have been sleeping on the couch every night, leaving my clean laundry on the bed. Honestly, I am surprised I managed to wash clothes and have the clean laundry but I know I had no choice but to wash my work uniforms so that worked out. Can't bring myself to fold it though.
I have my son in daycare and its $1000 a month. If you know anything about my career then you know as a cop, I am not paid very much. I don't have assistance, child support, family to lend that helping hand. It's just us. I have used a credit card to pay for it and I put every spare dime I have into it to try and keep up but now the credit card is a few hundred from maxed out and that terrifies me. I won't be able to pay for the daycare and I need it to go to work. I make just over the max to get state assistance and the child support office closed my case because donor moved to Germany. I don't know what to do. I have picked up as many shifts as I can but I have to pay for a sitter to watch my son.
I feel like every step forward I take, I get knocked down and kicked 10 feet back. It shouldn't be this hard. A single mother shouldn't have to lose her job because she can't afford daycare. A man shouldn't continue to test the women he "loves" trust over and over again, hurting and breaking her heart time and time again. I shouldn't miss my son and never see him anymore because I have to work every spare moment I have just to feed him, and then skip meals myself. I shouldn't feel to tired and broken to give a fully authentic laugh with my son when I do get to be with him. I shouldn't struggle to smile and laugh and feel my eye burn throughout everyday because I stay up crying most nights. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
I didn't mean to say as much as I have in this post. I didn't even know where my train of thought was going until my fingers were already typing out the words. But I suppose that is the point of this, right? A place to give these thoughts. Its not like anyone will read them anyways.
-Rose-
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